The waves have crashed down at
Saturday, February 11, 2006
11:19 PM
so... i just got home from my weekly g4 trip. as i rode the cab going home here in taft, i paused for a while and wondered... am i really a good person? i mean.. good is such a broad adjective but when i look inside myself, i feel that i am not fulfilling what i am supposed to do. college has been great. i mean the freedom but with it comes a lot of responsibilities just okay for me to handle but sometimes, i feel that i am now a different person. i can't say if it's for the better or for the worse. college is supposed to be your "coming out" period in your life but for me, it isnt. college has turned me into a lifeless zombie trying to cope up with all the bullcrap i have to live with everyday. i am over blaming my mom for the mishaps in my life. i am on my own now yet i feel that i could have done something in the past to change what i have now. i wish i had followed my heart. now i see the consequences of being too practical. i chose my course because it would lead me to a greater financial reward in the near future but as of now, my heart is screaming that it had enough of the sciences my puny mind can handle. i dont want to shift to ab psych either because their cut-off is just as tough. i have decided to fight til my graduation day but i guess, it all boils down to my personal satisfaction. psychology is an interesting course but sometimes, i can't help but wonder what could have happened to me if i chose what i really wanted. i dont know.. maybe i would probably have a different set of friends [dont get me wrong, i love my friends to bits], a more satisfactory academic performance, more time for myself and the like.. honestly speaking, i miss hazel.. i miss myself and now look what i have become.. i know i have so-called "personal issues" but the thing is, even i can't fix them myself. i want to turn to someone for help but all seems at a loss. i have been carrying this burden for the past three years of my life and honestly speaking, i am going nowhere. i guess i won't be surprised if one day you'd find me dead on the bathroom floor. i don't know where to start. i dont know how to fix my life and i dont know where i am going. i'm like a little child lost in a storm. freezing cold and alone.. somebody help me.. i dont need love as in boyfriend-girlfriend love.. i need direction. i need guidance. i need acceptance, the feeling that i truly belong. i need someone and i hope that someone would help me turn it all around.
