The waves have crashed down at
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
10:16 PM
so.. here i am completely blank. i don't know what to say in front of the pc.. maybe a little recap of what i have had this year will do the trick.. I got into college which was a good thing since I've been itching to leave the house for the past three years. I'm not the most resilient person in the world so being in a new environment gave me at least a break from all the confusion that little hell hole brought me. Actually, I'm really not bothered by what is going on with me and my so-called depression. Forgive my excessive self-absorption in my blog but this is the only way I can channel my feelings into something without doing any harm to myself and others. If you are a secret fan of my so-called web log, well you must've been pretty tired of me ranting over what has been happening between me and Aids. Honestly, I really don't know if I am in love with the guy. I am totally clueless. What sucks even more is the fact that I now feel that sting of us drifting apart. He just texted me yesterday to ask if I had some double-sided tape. I dunno… Maybe this time, I'm just some girl he'll hang out with for the sake of hanging out with? Don't listen to me. These are just my paranoid assumptions but yes, I feel that's all what we'll ever be ever since the slip-up. Not that I need a guy in my life but I guess having him there is a totally different story. I was hoping that talking to him a bit would make this all go away but the fact is, it never did. I thought that he was.. Something and hopefully, I meant something to him.. Something I never felt for the longest time. Honestly, I don't really think that I am appreciated right now. I mean.. I am alone.. I guess I have always been. It has just been magnified exponentially. Before, it was like "Okay. I'm alone. So what?!" but now it's like there's this little irritating voice inside my head telling me, "Hey there, lil loser! You're all alone now and you've got a hazy life. Where are you gonna go now, huh? Run away? Do drugs? Try to kill yourself again? What's your next move, punk?". I must’ve been a little cuckoo lately. I mean.. all these things are just suddenly a big spoonful of rice that's so hard to swallow. I wasn't ready for all of this. I am too young to be depressed. I am too young to throw my life away just like that. I am too young to feel like life is nothing but the fear of the unknown would somehow get the better of me, [un]fortunately. Would somebody help me? Would somebody save me? What if it’s all too late? How I wish someone’s there for me.
