The waves have crashed down at
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
11:48 AM
djajg oasgamfapeu paou. Fucking internet connection sucks. My whole blog entry vanished before my eyes. fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck this internet connection. I swear PLDT has the suckiest DSL connection in the whole planet.
Anyway, I was telling about me talking to Munchkin and Jolo on the condo after teaching them in Chemistry yesterday. I also was yapping about how I honestly wondered what would have happened if I took that courageous step. Would I be the same person typing in front of the laptop right now? I don't know. Anyway, Munchkin did all the talking and I was just listening to them converse since I really don't have any idea what the hell they were talking about at some point. Jolo is an okay guy. I mean he knows when to talk seriously and when to crack a joke. I guess Cy is lucky to have found him, or they both are lucky to have found each other. I honestly have this weird feeling. I really can't explain it. I mean I think I am over him and moved on but sometimes really if things didn't turn out the way they did, would he be in my arms right now? I can see it in his eyes that he's in love. I'm happy for them. :)
Anyway, I was watching Howie Day's video of "Collide" in youtube. The chorus really is something. "Even the best fall down sometimes Even the wrong words seem to rhyme Out of the doubt that fills my mind We somehow find you and I collide". Yes. Nothing is perfect in this world. Our friends break our trust and bring us down. The relationship we hoped to last ends. Don't get me wrong. I forgave those who deserve to be forgiven but forgetting the things that happened is another story. Forgiving is divine but forgetting is foolishness to me. The weight of one's actions affects other people. I have learned from my mistakes that's why sometimes I think about the people in front of me. Are they friends for real? Would they really stick out for me or would they bitch me around the way a bunch of assholes from AFOMB did? I just want to live a normal life. I want to live in peace but how could I?! I don't have the answers right now but I hope to find them sooner.
I am tired; tired of waiting for things to happen, tired of making things happen, tired of school and tired of my life. When do I get to do the things I really want to do? No, I am not blaming anyone anymore. I chose this path for me. I have started it and it is only proper that I finish this.
Love, find me soon. I don't want to be this miserable for the rest of my life. Sure, there are perks to singlehood but sometimes, I want someone to see me in a different light. I am not just everybody's drag-along buddy or Starbucks buddy or rowing team mate or *insert appropriate adjective here* student/classmate/friend/daughter. I want that someone to make me feel I have something inside and I want to do just the same. I have tried that with.. Yes. Though I may not admit it, I did considered him for the position but, like what I told Marice and Jolo, there's no *strike chest hard using the right hand with the side fist closed*. You get that? There's no oomph. There's no spark. There are no fireworks. There's no schwing. I can't blame myself because 99% of the time, when I entitle someone to a special nickname of sorts, I stick to that unless shit happens. I couldn't see him anything more than that. I really am sorry.
Ric just got a new girlfriend. Fellow CMAS. Gawd. Everybody's getting into a relationship except me, Jamie, Francis and others. I do hope the next guy is going to be amazing. I mean I did wait for that person this long, right? He has got to be everything I wanted and hoped for. I also told Munch yesterday that I do miss the good times with AFOMB. I mean they literally didn't give me 100% shit. Just 50% of it. It just sucks that it had to end this way. She did try to convince me that my year with AFOMB wasn't entirely sucky. I mean there was Aids who taught me in all our Math subjects. Tencio would find ways to accompany me wherever I go. Ky, before he became the weasel that he is, would ask us to watch his performances. Teeds was always the happy-go-lucky-one. Nathan, well, he'd be the funny one. Kris was the silent type who would take everything in. Nash and Natzgirl were my sisters. It was great. Too bad it had to end. Well, we can't have it all. I honestly did have a blast with them but this one time, big time blow did sever my ties with them. It will forever be this way. I might forgive the offenders someday but someday isn't today.
I always go to the friends page of my current livejournal blog and always visit ljsecrets everyday. It's just sad that the world is saturated with profanity and violence nowadays. I wish I lived in a period of love and peace, not sex and war. I want a different environment. Nobody feels secure anymore.
I miss my high school friends. I miss Clauds, Jany, Kaye, Melai, Diana, Allen, Rica, Amy, Erna, Cat, Carol, Diane and Ross. When the hell do I get to see you, guys? :(
I read Nash's blog a few days ago. She seemed lonely. Loneliness is such a communicable disease. If it's going to be of any help, I hope she knows that I feel lonely too. I just don't show it. I just want to find even just a single person in this planet that I have totally perfect connection with. I need that person because there's just a whole different side of who I am that people will never know or understand. The mask I wear is a mask of a thousand deceptions. Nobody knows the real me. The sad thing is, everytime I look in the mirror, the person I have become is a far cry from the person I used to be and want to be. That's what saddens me the most.
I am still waiting for that someone who will kiss me under the rain. Love, find me soon.
