Rainy Days, Silent Tears *

The waves have crashed down at
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
5:16 PM

It's raining cats and dogs today. Thankfully, we don't have Lbych08 today. I am so looking forward to not having that class because of the poorly-facilitated laboratory and well, let's just say I refuse to see someone so unsightly today. Thankfully, he didn't go to school. :)

Yes, it's a rainy day hence, I have a license to feel gloomy. The weather seems to have this influential effect on my mood. Bear with my weirdness as I go through the whirwind complications on my mind. I am going to Punta Fuego on Saturday so I guess I can't make a new entry by then because I assume they don't have wifi there so Pacey [my trusty laptop] would be pretty useless.

The sad ambience of the house during a rainy day echoes what I feel somehow. If you would look into my past entries, I remember stating there that I wish that my perfect guy would convince me to kiss him in the rain like the one at the Nescafe commercial. Kinda makes me sad that I am pretty much all alone figuratively. I mean I have my cousin sleeping at the couch as of the moment and the helper sweeping the garage so the water goes to the big hole that's supposed to be the main drainage of the garage. I made a playlist before blogging to set the mood. Slow, sad songs to keep me in this sad mood while blogging helps. Anyway, this is one of the moments wherein I just wish someone was here with me. Someone to look me in the eyes and hold my hands as if I am a delicate flower in need of shelter from the storm. I admit that sometimes, I wish I had that special someone here with me although when you really think about it, cynical thoughts up ahead it is never worth the heartache. Munchkin [the name I call my blockmate Marice] and I were wondering last Monday why I never had a guy in years. I mean there were people who I had mutual feelings for yet nobody ever made the cut to at least pass the standards I set. It's either one of us just don't really feel that there is that magic between us. Honestly, I do wonder when I have the time whether I'll grow up to be a spinster. I mean that would be.. something, right? Sigh... I just wish that guy meets me before it's too late. The only sucky part is, what if I already met him? x_x Am I just really ugly or I am just too weird beyond the normal weird so I am weird weird? At least, being weird has its advantages. :) You get to ward off the players even before they take a chance, well most of the time. :)

The rain has hampered its drops and everything feels calm. I can say that I am physically attracted to someone but it's not enought to make me change my mind and convince that there are guys out there worth the tears and the love. As far as my 18 years of existence can say, no guy is. I guess I am starting to sound bitter. Fine. Yes, I am bitter because of the fact that the people around me have someone to love and I am left all alone. The sad part is, I can't force myself to love someone. I'm sorry. :(

I often end my entries with a line from a song.. For this entry, I have a good one.

"Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards
Ain't close enough for you" - Stars and Boulevards by Augustana

Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill *

One of the fictional characters closest to my heart is Peyton Sawyer, the blonde cheerleader from One Tree Hill tv show. Of all the characters in there, I can relate to her the most. She has this somewhat hidden artistic side in her that only a few people can see. She doesn't take a crap from everybody and exerts her own individuality. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like her. I envy her for a lot of reasons. For one, she has her whole house in Tree Hill all to herself since most of the time, his father is away and would only come home once a year for around a week or two. She has her own car which means she can go anywhere she wants to go. She can sketch a whole lot better than me. Her art is the mirror of her life. It's like the small door that's opening to her soul. I pity her though because in the show, [spoiler ahead so beware, OTH fans] she is confused about his feelings for this certain boy who happens to be his ex-boyfriend's half brother. Small world, huh? On top of that, Brooke Davis, her bestfriend, flirted with the object of his affection and ended up falling for her bestfriend. Talk about bad luck. Well, you really can't blame Brooke if it's in her nature to be that way. I really think I am discussing irrelevant things since I assume that whoever reads this blog is not a fan of the said show. Anyway, I love Peyton so much that I have downloaded all her 14 podcasts into Pretzel. I love the way she mixes sarcasm and sincerity in her. The way she describes as she feels things makes me feel like somehow, I feel her pain at that very moment. If I were to alter the script of the show, I would prefer that she and Lucas [the guy he truly loved throughout the show] end up together because after all, she did notice something in Lucas that Brooke never saw when he was still "invisible." :)

Bitterness and Letting It Go. *

The waves have crashed down at
Monday, July 10, 2006
12:25 AM

Sometimes, I can't help wondering if there is more to my life than academics, my futile attempts to discover hidden art talents that aren't there, my unending battles agains fear of strangers and roaches, allowance management and hopes of having Erning for myself. I joined YFC simply because I promised a friend I would. Sadly, I did not find what I was looking for. Being an agnostic for the past 3 years did not teach me to be a religious rebel. Rather, it has taught me to be tolerable and respect others' beliefs. It's funny. I never imagined myself like this a few years ago. I am not angry, just empty. Maybe I am just sad. I don't know. Happiness is a choice. Being too nice is a choice. Sometimes, I wonder what I'd do if I reached my "boiling point." I hope people stop abusing kindness because the nicest people are the scariest when angry. I did get angry at the people I used to call friends (well at least, most of them). I talked to several people about the current issue I am facing. It's weird. They told me that getting even at someone won't make the offense go away. It is true but it's not what I am after. I am after getting even at him. What sucks is when I think about it, getting angry is futile. It is a possible cause for blowing the small battle into epic proportions. After two weeks of raging hearts and harsh words, I have finally concluded that my mind may have to take over this one. There are better things to put my attention and effort into. You cannot change the past, only the future and so with that, I leave it all to whatever universal power out there to do what it has to do to make me feel better. As for the so-called friends I have, my shortcomings should've been dealt with at a more mature manner. Watch your back. I may not make a move but what you did will get back at you.

the "moment" *

The waves have crashed down at
Saturday, July 01, 2006
9:55 AM

Normally, I would blog about what irks me right now, what makes me smile, my greatest achievement, my most heart-crushing failure, etc. but for some strange reason, I would want to speak (well, blog really) about one of the feel-good moments of any individual's life, the "moment". Most things we do in our lives are according to plans. It may be your plan, a friend's plan, your parents' plan, your boss' plan or whatever. This moment is different. The moment is a spectacular array of spontaneous universal conspiracies designed to make time pass by so perfectly through your fingertips. The moment is when you feel the butterflies pleasantly wanting to break free from the loopholes of your viscera. Your moment is when you look into someone's eyes and there is everything you need to know. I have had my taste of the moment yet I let it pass me by. Why would I let go of something that seems so perfect? I actually have a very weird answer for it. The moment is as special as it is. If I let myself get into a relationship, the magic of that moment is gone. It will only be the stepping stone for other moments thus, it will lose its special "twang". Maybe my reason is true or maybe, just maybe, my moment is not with the person I was with. Maybe it was the less special kind. Maybe someone out there is bound to have a special moment with me. Maybe he's just around yet I am still too insensitive to feel his presence. Maybe he's the guy I have been pining on all year. Maybe we haven't met each other. Maybe I passed by him at the Baywalk during one of our races. Maybe I saw him at the mall when I was 5. Whatever it is, I am crossing my fingers for that moment with that person. <3

Sorry for ruining this entry but I just felt like posting this one. These are the things attributed to my perfect guy. It's not Valentine's Day but I have the license to be mushy. :) By the way, this one came from one of the unfinished entries on my Starbucks planner dated June 18, 2006.

"Starting today, I shall no longer bash or write angry entries on my planner. Instead, I'll focus on things that really matter. If I had a guy, I wish...

he could convince me to kiss him under the pouring rain just like the one I watched in the Nescafe commercial.
he could "feel" when I need attention and PDA and when I don't.
he would spoil me like a real princess.
he would proudly introduce me to his family.
he had a car.*
he gets along nicely with my friends.
I get along with his friends.
he let me into his world
he would give me love letters out of the blue.
he knows how to take care of me.
he gets me the way no one does.
he is a hot chinito guy with a body to die for and brains to match.*
he is sporty.
he comes from a well-off family.
he an be just as emo as I if the situation calls for it.
he is also a closet writer like me. Actually I want someone like me, only much nicer. :)
he doesn't have the heart to lie to me.
he respects my theology, my odd decisions and choices (as long as they're right) and my weird sense of fashion.
he wants me to be a part of his world, not be it. :)"

Note: Requirements marked with an asterisk are negotiable.

It's funny how people set criteria for choosing someone that's best for them when at the back of their minds, the one they want is always an exception.

Oh my gosh. I am a walking contradiction. This makes me a hypocrite. Hahaha! Tag please! :)