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starry_skies was taken away. . .
starry_skies was taken away. . .
starry_skies was taken away. . .
starry_skies was taken away. . .
starry_skies was taken away. . .
starry_skies was taken away. . .
starry_skies was taken away. . .
Purged. *
The waves have crashed down at
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
11:48 AM
djajg oasgamfapeu paou.
Fucking internet connection sucks. My whole blog entry vanished before my eyes. fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck this internet connection. I swear PLDT has the suckiest DSL connection in the whole planet.
Anyway, I was telling about me talking to Munchkin and Jolo on the condo after teaching them in Chemistry yesterday. I also was yapping about how I honestly wondered what would have happened if I took that courageous step. Would I be the same person typing in front of the laptop right now? I don't know. Anyway, Munchkin did all the talking and I was just listening to them converse since I really don't have any idea what the hell they were talking about at some point. Jolo is an okay guy. I mean he knows when to talk seriously and when to crack a joke. I guess Cy is lucky to have found him, or they both are lucky to have found each other. I honestly have this weird feeling. I really can't explain it. I mean I think I am over him and moved on but sometimes really if things didn't turn out the way they did, would he be in my arms right now? I can see it in his eyes that he's in love. I'm happy for them. :)
Anyway, I was watching Howie Day's video of "Collide" in youtube. The chorus really is something. "Even the best fall down sometimes Even the wrong words seem to rhyme Out of the doubt that fills my mind We somehow find you and I collide". Yes. Nothing is perfect in this world. Our friends break our trust and bring us down. The relationship we hoped to last ends. Don't get me wrong. I forgave those who deserve to be forgiven but forgetting the things that happened is another story. Forgiving is divine but forgetting is foolishness to me. The weight of one's actions affects other people. I have learned from my mistakes that's why sometimes I think about the people in front of me. Are they friends for real? Would they really stick out for me or would they bitch me around the way a bunch of assholes from AFOMB did? I just want to live a normal life. I want to live in peace but how could I?! I don't have the answers right now but I hope to find them sooner.
I am tired; tired of waiting for things to happen, tired of making things happen, tired of school and tired of my life. When do I get to do the things I really want to do? No, I am not blaming anyone anymore. I chose this path for me. I have started it and it is only proper that I finish this.
Love, find me soon. I don't want to be this miserable for the rest of my life. Sure, there are perks to singlehood but sometimes, I want someone to see me in a different light. I am not just everybody's drag-along buddy or Starbucks buddy or rowing team mate or *insert appropriate adjective here* student/classmate/friend/daughter. I want that someone to make me feel I have something inside and I want to do just the same. I have tried that with.. Yes. Though I may not admit it, I did considered him for the position but, like what I told Marice and Jolo, there's no *strike chest hard using the right hand with the side fist closed*. You get that? There's no oomph. There's no spark. There are no fireworks. There's no schwing. I can't blame myself because 99% of the time, when I entitle someone to a special nickname of sorts, I stick to that unless shit happens. I couldn't see him anything more than that. I really am sorry.
Ric just got a new girlfriend. Fellow CMAS. Gawd. Everybody's getting into a relationship except me, Jamie, Francis and others. I do hope the next guy is going to be amazing. I mean I did wait for that person this long, right? He has got to be everything I wanted and hoped for.
I also told Munch yesterday that I do miss the good times with AFOMB. I mean they literally didn't give me 100% shit. Just 50% of it. It just sucks that it had to end this way. She did try to convince me that my year with AFOMB wasn't entirely sucky. I mean there was Aids who taught me in all our Math subjects. Tencio would find ways to accompany me wherever I go. Ky, before he became the weasel that he is, would ask us to watch his performances. Teeds was always the happy-go-lucky-one. Nathan, well, he'd be the funny one. Kris was the silent type who would take everything in. Nash and Natzgirl were my sisters. It was great. Too bad it had to end. Well, we can't have it all. I honestly did have a blast with them but this one time, big time blow did sever my ties with them. It will forever be this way. I might forgive the offenders someday but someday isn't today.
I always go to the friends page of my current livejournal blog and always visit ljsecrets everyday. It's just sad that the world is saturated with profanity and violence nowadays. I wish I lived in a period of love and peace, not sex and war. I want a different environment. Nobody feels secure anymore.
I miss my high school friends. I miss Clauds, Jany, Kaye, Melai, Diana, Allen, Rica, Amy, Erna, Cat, Carol, Diane and Ross. When the hell do I get to see you, guys? :(
I read Nash's blog a few days ago. She seemed lonely. Loneliness is such a communicable disease. If it's going to be of any help, I hope she knows that I feel lonely too. I just don't show it. I just want to find even just a single person in this planet that I have totally perfect connection with. I need that person because there's just a whole different side of who I am that people will never know or understand. The mask I wear is a mask of a thousand deceptions. Nobody knows the real me. The sad thing is, everytime I look in the mirror, the person I have become is a far cry from the person I used to be and want to be. That's what saddens me the most.
I am still waiting for that someone who will kiss me under the rain. Love, find me soon.
Ghost of You *
The waves have crashed down at
Monday, August 07, 2006
10:31 PM
Please. Stop messing with my head. My heart is already detached from me. Do not mend the feelings I once buried for 2 years. I have had enough.
As much as I want nothing to do with you, I cannot deny the fact that we were and still are friends before something made things a lot complicated for me. I hope I'd eventually feel numb and see that you are just a friend. Nothing more than that. :(
Rainy Days, Silent Tears *
The waves have crashed down at
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
5:16 PM
It's raining cats and dogs today. Thankfully, we don't have Lbych08 today. I am so looking forward to not having that class because of the poorly-facilitated laboratory and well, let's just say I refuse to see someone so unsightly today. Thankfully, he didn't go to school. :)
Yes, it's a rainy day hence, I have a license to feel gloomy. The weather seems to have this influential effect on my mood. Bear with my weirdness as I go through the whirwind complications on my mind. I am going to Punta Fuego on Saturday so I guess I can't make a new entry by then because I assume they don't have wifi there so Pacey [my trusty laptop] would be pretty useless.
The sad ambience of the house during a rainy day echoes what I feel somehow. If you would look into my past entries, I remember stating there that I wish that my perfect guy would convince me to kiss him in the rain like the one at the Nescafe commercial. Kinda makes me sad that I am pretty much all alone figuratively. I mean I have my cousin sleeping at the couch as of the moment and the helper sweeping the garage so the water goes to the big hole that's supposed to be the main drainage of the garage. I made a playlist before blogging to set the mood. Slow, sad songs to keep me in this sad mood while blogging helps. Anyway, this is one of the moments wherein I just wish someone was here with me. Someone to look me in the eyes and hold my hands as if I am a delicate flower in need of shelter from the storm. I admit that sometimes, I wish I had that special someone here with me although when you really think about it, cynical thoughts up ahead it is never worth the heartache. Munchkin [the name I call my blockmate Marice] and I were wondering last Monday why I never had a guy in years. I mean there were people who I had mutual feelings for yet nobody ever made the cut to at least pass the standards I set. It's either one of us just don't really feel that there is that magic between us. Honestly, I do wonder when I have the time whether I'll grow up to be a spinster. I mean that would be.. something, right? Sigh... I just wish that guy meets me before it's too late. The only sucky part is, what if I already met him? x_x Am I just really ugly or I am just too weird beyond the normal weird so I am weird weird? At least, being weird has its advantages. :) You get to ward off the players even before they take a chance, well most of the time. :)
The rain has hampered its drops and everything feels calm. I can say that I am physically attracted to someone but it's not enought to make me change my mind and convince that there are guys out there worth the tears and the love. As far as my 18 years of existence can say, no guy is. I guess I am starting to sound bitter. Fine. Yes, I am bitter because of the fact that the people around me have someone to love and I am left all alone. The sad part is, I can't force myself to love someone. I'm sorry. :(
I often end my entries with a line from a song.. For this entry, I have a good one.
"Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards
Ain't close enough for you" - Stars and Boulevards by Augustana
Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill *
One of the fictional characters closest to my heart is Peyton Sawyer, the blonde cheerleader from One Tree Hill tv show. Of all the characters in there, I can relate to her the most. She has this somewhat hidden artistic side in her that only a few people can see. She doesn't take a crap from everybody and exerts her own individuality. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like her. I envy her for a lot of reasons. For one, she has her whole house in Tree Hill all to herself since most of the time, his father is away and would only come home once a year for around a week or two. She has her own car which means she can go anywhere she wants to go. She can sketch a whole lot better than me. Her art is the mirror of her life. It's like the small door that's opening to her soul. I pity her though because in the show, [spoiler ahead so beware, OTH fans] she is confused about his feelings for this certain boy who happens to be his ex-boyfriend's half brother. Small world, huh? On top of that, Brooke Davis, her bestfriend, flirted with the object of his affection and ended up falling for her bestfriend. Talk about bad luck. Well, you really can't blame Brooke if it's in her nature to be that way. I really think I am discussing irrelevant things since I assume that whoever reads this blog is not a fan of the said show. Anyway, I love Peyton so much that I have downloaded all her 14 podcasts into Pretzel. I love the way she mixes sarcasm and sincerity in her. The way she describes as she feels things makes me feel like somehow, I feel her pain at that very moment. If I were to alter the script of the show, I would prefer that she and Lucas [the guy he truly loved throughout the show] end up together because after all, she did notice something in Lucas that Brooke never saw when he was still "invisible." :)
Bitterness and Letting It Go. *
The waves have crashed down at
Monday, July 10, 2006
12:25 AM
Sometimes, I can't help wondering if there is more to my life than academics, my futile attempts to discover hidden art talents that aren't there, my unending battles agains fear of strangers and roaches, allowance management and hopes of having Erning for myself. I joined YFC simply because I promised a friend I would. Sadly, I did not find what I was looking for. Being an agnostic for the past 3 years did not teach me to be a religious rebel. Rather, it has taught me to be tolerable and respect others' beliefs. It's funny. I never imagined myself like this a few years ago. I am not angry, just empty. Maybe I am just sad. I don't know. Happiness is a choice. Being too nice is a choice. Sometimes, I wonder what I'd do if I reached my "boiling point." I hope people stop abusing kindness because the nicest people are the scariest when angry. I did get angry at the people I used to call friends (well at least, most of them). I talked to several people about the current issue I am facing. It's weird. They told me that getting even at someone won't make the offense go away. It is true but it's not what I am after. I am after getting even at him. What sucks is when I think about it, getting angry is futile. It is a possible cause for blowing the small battle into epic proportions. After two weeks of raging hearts and harsh words, I have finally concluded that my mind may have to take over this one. There are better things to put my attention and effort into. You cannot change the past, only the future and so with that, I leave it all to whatever universal power out there to do what it has to do to make me feel better. As for the so-called friends I have, my shortcomings should've been dealt with at a more mature manner. Watch your back. I may not make a move but what you did will get back at you.
the "moment" *
The waves have crashed down at
Saturday, July 01, 2006
9:55 AM
Normally, I would blog about what irks me right now, what makes me smile, my greatest achievement, my most heart-crushing failure, etc. but for some strange reason, I would want to speak (well, blog really) about one of the feel-good moments of any individual's life, the "moment". Most things we do in our lives are according to plans. It may be your plan, a friend's plan, your parents' plan, your boss' plan or whatever. This moment is different. The moment is a spectacular array of spontaneous universal conspiracies designed to make time pass by so perfectly through your fingertips. The moment is when you feel the butterflies pleasantly wanting to break free from the loopholes of your viscera. Your moment is when you look into someone's eyes and there is everything you need to know. I have had my taste of the moment yet I let it pass me by. Why would I let go of something that seems so perfect? I actually have a very weird answer for it. The moment is as special as it is. If I let myself get into a relationship, the magic of that moment is gone. It will only be the stepping stone for other moments thus, it will lose its special "twang". Maybe my reason is true or maybe, just maybe, my moment is not with the person I was with. Maybe it was the less special kind. Maybe someone out there is bound to have a special moment with me. Maybe he's just around yet I am still too insensitive to feel his presence. Maybe he's the guy I have been pining on all year. Maybe we haven't met each other. Maybe I passed by him at the Baywalk during one of our races. Maybe I saw him at the mall when I was 5. Whatever it is, I am crossing my fingers for that moment with that person. <3
Sorry for ruining this entry but I just felt like posting this one. These are the things attributed to my perfect guy. It's not Valentine's Day but I have the license to be mushy. :) By the way, this one came from one of the unfinished entries on my Starbucks planner dated June 18, 2006.
"Starting today, I shall no longer bash or write angry entries on my planner. Instead, I'll focus on things that really matter. If I had a guy, I wish...
Note: Requirements marked with an asterisk are negotiable.
It's funny how people set criteria for choosing someone that's best for them when at the back of their minds, the one they want is always an exception.
Oh my gosh. I am a walking contradiction. This makes me a hypocrite. Hahaha! Tag please! :)
concealed. *
The waves have crashed down at
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
6:58 PM
I'd like to quote a line from my LJ blog.
Sometimes, when you think you know a person too well, you really don't because the more a person reveals, the more he hides.
For Englone's and my friends' sake(s), I shall revive this blog of mine.
A month-abandoned journal needs some fresh updates so here are a few.
As for other things, it's still the same I guess. Don't worry. I am still out to make my predictions for this year come true. :)