issue no more. :) *

The waves have crashed down at
Sunday, April 30, 2006
6:30 PM

i wanna tito tom's new movie.. hehehe.. err.. yeah.. but.. iunno who to tag along with.. guess you really can't please everybody.. so might as well march to your own drumbeat.. about things.. it's been kinda bothering me lately.. i really don't know what i am supposed to do right now because i don't want it to become a viscious cycle wherein everything is so damn predictable. maybe i need a timeout or some space. i really don't know what to do and since i have these trust issues wherein i vowed never to full trust any individual for whatever reason, it would be pretty hard to disclose very personal and important things. i hope i'm not wrong for being too paranoid. i'm just avoiding more trouble. i guess it would also be for the good of everybody. it's funny. i thought someone on the planet really knew who i was. i was wrong for assuming that. even i don't know myself that well. sometimes, i surprise myself because of my actions. gawd. it sounds funny but there are times wherein even i can't understand myself. i don't like using the term "issues" because it sounds too serious. yes, it is a problem but i am pretty sure it isn't something that cannot be solved. i just need some time alone and space to figure out this puzzle. yeah. that's it. it's a puzzle. it's not an issue.

#3 *

The waves have crashed down at
Saturday, April 29, 2006
3:44 PM

bitterness aside.. drunk zelly was asked to rate him. 3 out of 10. i have my reasons.. guess he was right all along when he said that we weren't compatible.. just friends.. nothing more.. friggin accepted that hard-to-swallow pill.. another thing is that we can't have a decent conversation that would last for more than 10 seconds.. i don't know.. i guess we just really collide. it sucks.

bora crap. okay. so i went there and got fucking wasted. nothing.. i guess i enjoyed the trip last year more for some reason.. maybe the bitchy side of me is just beyond my control. i should know. this is me. guess i was right.. season 2 in a couple of weeks. part-time job to keep me preoccupied. delayed by 1 term. turning into a college soph. in-between clinical psych and med school, good luck hazel cruz. it was one helluva ride.

i'm letting you go.

on a week hiatus *

The waves have crashed down at
Sunday, April 23, 2006
8:56 PM

i'll be off to bora, friends but in the mean time, pakihanap naman kung san ko maddownload ang kantang ito.

di ko sure kung tama ang title at ang artist pero ito kasi ang nakaindicate sa letssingit.com

dream away - from the icy coast

Often I dream about
You and I wishful thoughts of a love that's so pure
Take us in a world afar
All I am because of you
No one else could be this true and I wish
I'll never wake up from this dream

Could it be that I see
The future that's you and me
What if you just maybe share the same thoughts I see
Meet me there and just dream away with me

Make believe you are here
Freeze the time when you are near
Wish that life be this way everyday and so I say
That my dreams will be fulfilled
All the mysteries revealed and I wish
I never wake up from this dream

You and I wishful thoughts of a love that's so pure
Take us in a world afar
All I am because of you
No one else could be this true and I wish
I'll never wake up from this dream

Could it be that I see
The future that's you and me
What if you just maybe share the same thoughts I see
Meet me there and just dream away with me

Take my hand believe my love will stand the test of time
Tomorrow's yours and mine so dream...

You and I wishful thoughts of a love that's so pure
Take us in a world afar
All I am because of you
No one else could be this true and I wish
I'll never wake up from this dream

Could it be that I see
The future that's you and me
What if you just maybe share the same thoughts I see
Meet me there and just dream away
Just dream away with me
Dream away with me
Dream away...

paki tag nalang ako or something pag may nahanap kayo. chalamat!

feminism and sentimentality *

The waves have crashed down at
Saturday, April 15, 2006
10:55 PM

wala lang. kakauwi ko lang kasi galing glorietta ngayong black saturday. anyway, nagulat nga ako na bukas ang mall at maraming tao despite the occasion today. or so it is. nanood ako ng submerge at tristan and isolde kanina. wala akong insights tungkol sa submerge. maduga lang talaga na si steven seagal ay parang isang superhero. takte. isipin mo mga lima lang sila tas isang batalyon + isang higanteng tangke ang kalaban nila. wala siya ni isang galos sa katawan. napakapeke talaga ng mga action movies.

tristan and isolde naman. naisip ko lang. ala king arthur and the knights of the round table naman ang kwento nito. si tristan si lancelot, ang magiting na mandirigma ni marke, ang king arthur doon. si isolde naman si queen guenevere. [tama ba ang spelling?] ang twist nga lang si isolde anak siya ng isang hari na laging binubully ang kingdom nila tristan. so parang romeo and juliet din siya. naisip ko lang na hanggang ngayon e laganap parin ang ganitong sitwasyon. ang mga babae kahit kelan nalang e laging commodity, hindi tao. nakakabwisit pero nararanasan parin ito hanggang ngayon. aba e putangina. hanggang ngayon kelan ba maiisip ng buong mundo na ang bawat nilalang ngayon ay galing sa isang babae na marahil ay nagbuwis ng kanyang buhay upang bawat tayo ay mabuhay? galing tayo sa isang nanay pero naisip ba natin kung gaano kahalaga ang aking kasarian? minamaliit ang mga babae. tingnan mo nalang. sa pagmumura, sino ang mas tunog panget, ang bastard o ang bitch? e ang putang ina. diba? madaya! bakit ang lalake pag may gustong babae pwede niyang lapitan e bat ang babae di pwede manligaw? parepareho lang naman tayong mga tao na marunong magmahal so bakit di natin matuwid yan? di naman ako in love pero nakakainis lang talaga na may mga bagay na di pwedeng gawin "kasi babae ka". takte. e ano naman ngayong kung lalake ka o babae? parepareho lang naman tayong umiiyak, dumudugo, humihinga. di naman hayop ang mga babae so naisip ko, ang mamalas naman ng mga babaeng nabubuhay noong middle ages. kelangan nila sundin ang utos ng kanilang ama. di nila maaaring piliin ang kanilang magiging asawa. makikipagtalik sila sa isang lalakeng di naman nagmamay-ari ng puso nila. ang hirap siguro ng ganun. eto pa. bakit bihira ka lang makakita ng babaeng mandirigma? sigurado ako meron namang mga babaeng kaya makipagbakbakan kaso bat di nila nirerecognize sa mga pelikula? kung ginagawa man nila ay sobrang bihira lang. shet. naisip ko tuloy, kelan kaya ang pagsikat ng araw na wala ng gender discrimination ang pandaigdigang lipunan? hay.. sana kasi buksan ng mga tao ang kanilang isip. walang kaso dapat kung babae ka o lalake sa anumang aspeto pero wag natin kalimutan ang chivalry. medyo malabo ata sinabi ko. angal ka?

i jump to another topic. kaninang hinihintay ko si mara at tejero sa food choices, nakikinig ako ng one tree hill soundtrack. siyempre ang paborito kong this is for keeps ng spill canvas ang tumutugtog. aba aba aba. andun kasi ako sa so-called "lait table" ng food choices. alam niyo naman siguro yung mga tables na yun. sila yung mga nakaharap sa escalator. isa siyang lugar na pang-spot at panglait ng mga taong umaakyat patungo o bumababa galing g4 cinemas. anyway, may isang babaeng payat at chinita na naka-agaw ng aking pansin. napatingin ako sa kasama niya. anak ng tinapa. it's none other than... [hulaan mo kung sino]. kung close tayo, malalaman mo na huli kaming nagkita noong tinulungan ako ni kee at kuya dito sa bahay. a basta yun. shiet. di ko alam kung bakit bumilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko. parang kinakabahan ako na ewan. ang alam ko lang ay di ako mapakali. after a while, tumayo ulit ako at pumunta sa parte ng g4 3rd floor sa may magazine stand sa gitna ng daanan sa tapat ng isang electronics at asian furniture store. di ko alam kung dapat ba ay nilapitan ko siya o hindi. ewan ko pero bigla nalang ako nalungkot at umasang sana bumalik siya doon upang aking makita ulit. sa kasawiang palad, di ko na siya nakita ulit. bakit ko pa siya iniisip? akala ko tapos na ako sa mga ganitong bagay? bakit? nakakapagpabagabag ito ng damdamin. magkikita pa kaya kami ng landas? aba ewan ko. sana hindi para tuluyan ko na siyang maibaon sa limot. isang taon.. isang taon ko tiniis.. at napunta sa wala. sana di ko na siya makita ulit.

emo mode nanaman ako leche. ay. hindi pala emo. senti mode. di naman ako suicidal ngayon dahil sa pagibig e. di ako emo. senti lang talaga.

p.s. naalala ko lang ngayon ngayon.. may scene kasi sa tristan and isolde na kung saan nahuli silang nakikipagkita sa isat isa sa isang liblib na lugar sa kagubatan. sabi nung tatay ni isolde kay marke na parang ginawa nilang "whore" ang kanyang anak sa pamamamagitan ng pagpasa nito kay isolde sa kanyang tinyente na si tristan. di ba nila naisip na ang pagtrato sa mga babae bilang premyo ay prostitusyon na mismo? wala lang.

Black Saturday for all, TV Blackout Saturday for me *

For the nth time, I shall try to blog in the correct grammar. err. Was that right? Whatever. I'm not rebelling against Catholics and all those who firmly believe the world's most popular religion. I just don't think I would let myself succumb to those things that I honestly lack faith in. Some good channels are out for the past two days since it is supposed to be mourning season. Okay. I am not mourning nor rejoicing. I am bored. Thankfully, my village friends would break the monotony of this holy week. Tj just texted me and told me he'll be here in 30 minutes. That means, I have 30 minutes to blog. I don't think I'll be updating this blog regularly since I'm taking my majors next year. Hopefully, I pass everything come course card distribution on Monday.

Call me weirdo or anything but I don't know. I read a blog of a certain acquaintance and somehow I felt compelled to help the poor guy. I don't know but there's something about him that makes me want to. We have nearly talked about stuff in school and the longest conversation I had with him was like around 10 seconds. It feels weird. I just hope he's okay by now. I sure do know how it feels to have an ex, who used to be your friend, now a total stranger to you. It's a sad thing if you ask me.

I got to fix the verbal argument with the Amazing Friends of Mr. Biggles. I'm going to Bora with or without my achi because apparently, she left me for fucking Puerto Galera with his ex who I don't know would treat her right this time. If not, screw you! May all the horny gays out there molest you until there is nothing left of your soul! Oh well, at least I have my Amazing Friends to keep me company plus, the two new additions which are both China men [well, the other one is a China girl]. Illusion, I have waited this long for you.. and in 8 days, you're mine! Hahaha!

Would you blame me if I told you there is no reason why I should go home? If you ask me, where I live now in Taft is my home. It feels so much more comfortable here than in Paranaque. For one, nobody's shouting except the super taray neighbor who owns a laundry shop. At least in here, I get easy access to all possible public transportations known to the common Filipino. If I don't get to drive a car, at least I can go anywhere.

If I look at my self a few years back, it seems that I was kinda emo back then. No offense emo friends, but I believe that emo = gay. I mean who would write suicidal notes, make up suicidal problems and love problems, wear eyeliner and have those "crescent" bangs [according to Kee]? Whoever invented emo prolly just wasn't goth enough and founded a way to improvise goth that's cooler or something. I listen to emo sometimes but I just can't stand people who try to be the emoest emo person in the world. Fyi, listening to emo and trying hard to be emo are two very different things.

I love the One Tree Hill Soundtrack. I have been playing it for some time now. It's just so nice. It's so teenager-y. I mean the songs are nice. One of my favorites right now are Move Along by All American Rejects, This is for Keeps by Spill Canvas and Always Love by Nada Surf.

"When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"
- All American Rejects, "Move Along"

It sounds sort of grammatically incorrect but this is what I found from a certain lyrics site.

lesson learned. *

The waves have crashed down at
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
10:23 PM

weird. i had an online argument with kuya.. x_x it wasn't pretty. i guess i pretty much hurt his feelings. i feel bad about it. fyi, my eyes were swollen all morning from all the crying i had last night. i rarely cry. i really do but it's just one of the things when you can't not cry. for one, i should control my words amidst intense emotions overflowing from me. for kuya, an angry "lil bro" is never rational. we'll prolly meet halfway. i hope to fix this thing before everything gets out of hand and also to make sure that the bora trip will be nothing short of paradise for me. can't wait for illusion.

dated April 4, 2006 *

The waves have crashed down at
Saturday, April 08, 2006
10:46 PM

Amidst Hell-slash-Finals week, I managed to write my thoughts about things, things that matter to me like how I feel, what I am now, where I am going and so much more. Looking back to two terms ago, everything seems pretty much back to normal. For one, Nathan and I are in good terms already. Aids and I don't talk the way we used to anymore plus, we got two new additions to the Amazing Friends. I believe our lives start out as empty pages of a journal that we fill up everyday. The choices we make affect our future in so many ways. If I look at myself now, I guess I still am a sad person. I haven't found my ultimate euphoria in this lifetime. By the way, as of the moment, I choose to remain single and unattached throughout this lifetime. I am capable of committing but I don't think I'll choose to. They say that there is never the right person and the right place, only the right time. We are mere humans and the possibility of failing in marriage is steadily rising as years pass by. Its sanctity is lost. I fear failure and so I don't think I could handle one like that. Looking back, I guess I just got really infatuated with Eng Boy. Yeah. I guess I was right for saying that I wasn't in love. I guess throughout the years, I have started to harden myself knowing that nobody's out there. I have only myself to love. My life may be driven by success but at least, I would want it to repay my mom for everything she's done. She's no great hero worthy of national recognition. She's just mom, trying to do her job as one. By the way, I also joined the Dragon Boat Rowing Team. I guess I missed the adrenalin rush from tennis and since I can't be in the team anymore, I'd have to find a new sport to feed my physical energies on plus, I get to see Paddler every training. I think it's better this way that I'm not setting my sights on one person alone. I'd just end up writing the obituary for a love that died. I don't wanna do that. One Tree Hill made me realize that I must write my predictions for the year. This is my 18th and I hope to find my predictions come true at least a year from now. so for this year, here are mine (not in particular order):

Get into the Dean's list even at least once, dammit!
Get a flat tummy and nice arms.
Feed my passion.
Somehow find myself.
Paint a sunset.
Help two people become a couple.
Fix myself (err.. find my physical assets and flaunt them? Hahaha!)
Enjoy work and college life.
Get active in school orgs.
Be partly financially independent.

There, I've listed them. *continued the next day* I watched Rent last week. It was a helluva friggin good movie if you're not so much into the superficial storylines of contemporary movies these days. It actually made me cry! I guess Ross was right for saying that I am truly a softie inside. :"> I mean it made me think about what I have compared to them. I felt so ashamed thinking that my life is hell compared to them that they even have barely enough money to last a day. Add the fact that their days are counted because of AIDS takes the meaning of the word hopelessness to a whole new level. Anyway, I don't know how to tell mom that I'll be needing around 15000 bucks for all the summer trips I'll have for this year. For one, I 'll be having my [S] Baguio trip on Tuesday, the Amazing Friends of Mr. Biggles Bora trip and the DLSU Dragon Boat Bora trip.. hahaha! Shucks.. I hope to get my much-deserved R&R before I head on to [hopefully] my first term in majors next year. I just really do hope that Sir Calara passes me even though I didn't quite put what I really had to do since I had a lot of stuff to do for the past week. It has just been oh so overwhelming... Ay wait! I forgot.. I'm also going to my munchkin's Pahiyas festival in Laguna so.. that's four! I don't know how much I'll ask for that one.. so anyway.. I'm hoping to finish five books this summer and enjoy what is left of the summer that I'll have because I might be taking summer classess next year to make up for all the underloaded terms that I have. :)